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October 2008 E-News
Communication Tip: Expressing Needs
Parenting Tip: Empathy for Parents
Upcoming Events: Nonviolent Communication Workshops and Classes

Communication Tip: Expressing Needs
People are more likely to enjoy doing what we ask of them when we tell them what need of ours will be met. Often we mistakenly think our request is a need, as in "I need you to..." This way of thinking inevitably leaves the person we're asking with an unmet need for choice and freedom. We can separate our need from the request we're making. Needs are universal, and do not depend on a certain person, place or thing. Here are some examples. "I'm not ready for our guests and I'm behind schedule. I could really use some support (need). Would you be willing to do the dishes now?" "I want to give you my full attention (need), and I also really need some rest right now. Would you be willing to continue this discussion tomorrow?" Expressing our needs without making demands connects us with others, and makes it easier for them to say "yes" to our requests.

Parenting Tip: Empathy for Parents
When we find ourselves behaving toward our children in ways we don't like, it's time to give ourselves empathy as parents. We can ask ourselves, 'What am I feeling right now?" "What am I needing that I'm not getting?" We don't need a certain response from our child at this moment, but somewhere in our lives we do need things like rest, understanding, support, respect, order, and hope. When you are "at the end of our rope" you may discover that getting in touch with your own feelings and needs shifts your attitude toward your child from irritation to compassion.

Once we get in touch with our feelings and identify our unmet needs, we can remember that there are many creative ways to get those needs met. We can spend some time brainstorming. Do you have support people with whom you can talk about what's happening, your needs, and ways to meet them? Yes, reflection and reaching out take time. But how much time have we spent in the past worrying about the same unresolved issue, or plotting our strategy for "winning" power struggles with our child?

P.S. for Parents: You may enjoy the Nonviolent Parenting Blog.

Upcoming Events

In Pasadena: Deepening Self-Empathy, Saturday Oct. 18th from 9-5. Sliding fee. Pre-registration requested. Led by Rodger Sorrow and Anne Walton; meeting at the Church of Truth. For more information see www.communicationfromtheheart.com.

In Huntington Beach: "BECOMING A THIRD PRESENCE" - using NVC mediation skills to resolve inner and outer conflicts Friday October 31 through Sunday Nov. 2. at the Sangha Center for Spiritual Living, 7641 Talbot Ave. Albuquerque-based NVC trainers Jim and Jori Manske are experienced mediators, and offer this intensive "for anyone wanting to bring more peace into their world." Info and registration at www.radicalcompassion.com/3rd-presence, or contact Victoria Emerson at 714-625-7879 or email her.

In Seal Beach: Nonviolent Parenting, Wednesdays , 6:30-8:30pm at the Seal Beach Center for Spiritual Living, 500 Marina Drive. CNVEP Certified parent educators Tova Pusl and Julia Bongard. Contact them at (562) 422-8623, nvparenting@yahoo.com. Quality, loving child care provided for a family fee of $5 a night.  Course cost is $180 for all ten weeks or $20 a session. (add an additional co-parent for half price.)

In Newport Beach: Ellen Shiro, MFT will be facilitating NVC groups for beginners, and for those who already have NVC training. Groups will meet on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday evenings from 7:30 to 9:30pm. Ellen has been facilitating groups for learning and healing, utilizing intent and language of NVC for 15 years. For more information, Email her or call at 949-642-7889.

In Costa Mesa: Nonviolent Communication Practice Groups will form later this fall. Please contact Upgeya Pew:  email him  or call at 949-646-1011.

Kelly Bryson, a longtime NVC trainer with great humor and honesty, will be in La Jolla October 24, 7-9:30 pm for an Intro to NVC, in Oceanside for a 2-day NVC Experience Oct. 25-26, and in Leucadia for a 1 day Advanced NVC Community Building Oct. 26. See http://www.sdnvc.org/pages/events.html for details.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
-Mother Teresa

Terry LePage
Open Door Communication
terry@opendoorcommunication.org
www.OpenDoorCommunication.org
949-400-3379

Mission of Open Door Communication
To share Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and related life-serving tools with people from all walks of life in Southern California by:

Offering NVC workshops, mediation, and coaching.
Establishing practice groups and mentoring NVC resource people to multiply impact.
Facilitating supportive relationships among NVC practitioners.

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